Yesterday, I had a free coaching consult with a reader who can’t stop thinking about her ex.

Sound familiar?

It’s certainly familiar to me. And, to be quite honest, this is what pissed me off when I was trying to get over my ex- the fact that I had given my ex so much of my precious time during the relationship (and way too much time waiting for him to change), and now, after being dumped, I was continuing to give him even more time after it too.

So, when this reader shared that she can’t stop thinking about her ex, I asked her to be more specific. I asked her to think for a moment about what percentage of each day she still thinks about her ex- any thoughts at all. Thoughts of the past. Thoughts of where he is now or who he might be with. Thoughts of what he did or didn’t do while they were together, or what he did or didn’t ever say.

Her realization? An astounding 30-40%. She still spends 30-40% of her day thinking about her ex. And, what’s even more astounding, is that you very well could be doing this too.

I, however, don’t find this astounding at all. I think that this is more common than any of us care to realize. We just haven’t ever thought about it before. We haven’t ever quantified our negative thinking and realized how much time + energy we use thinking about things that don’t serve our highest and best selves.

And (clearly) thinking about your ex for 30-40% of your day is not serving your highest and best self. It’s serving heaps of insecurity and self-doubt to you instead. Insecurity and self-doubt that not only weigh you down, but take up residence inside of you, too.

Although I don’t find this percentage astounding, what I do find astounding is the fact that most of us spend more time thinking about ex after a breakup than we do most anything else- sleeping, working, spending time with loved ones, exercising, etc.

Imagine if you spent 30-40% of your time after a breakup taking care of yourself (your mind + body + spirit) instead of thinking about your ex. Chances are you’d be the hottest catch in town. Chances are you’d need an assistant just to book all your new hot dates. Chances are your ex would never forgive himself for letting your hot ass go, either.

So, ask yourself these questions today:

1) How much time everyday do I still spend thinking about my ex?

2) What brilliant things would I rather be thinking about or doing instead?

Be honest with yourself. There are no right or wrong answers- just reference points for you to evaluate, make changes, and move forward.

So…What are YOUR thoughts? Please leave a comment below! I can’t wait to read it and reply back to you.


Ellen Smoak

Author | Speaker | Relationship Coach

P.S. Get my free video series “How to beat your broken heart BEFORE it beats YOU!” for free by clicking here. In this series, you’ll learn: How to know if your ex is your soulmate, The biggest mistake most people make to get over their ex, and How to stop thinking about your ex all the time, move on, and be free! Get your free videos right here.



84 Responses to “How To Stop Thinking About Your Ex”

  1. Irene

    Ha…I wish it was a mild 30-40% every day. I am haunted by the whole situation.. I think about it even when I’m sleeping!!! I know its crazy and I am ashamed to admit it. I’m torn apart and I spend every day just trying to control myself from humiliating myself further or making wrong choices. I would rather be thinking about my future..I wish I were looking forward to something instead of dreading how I’ll feel tomorrow. I try to make changes but part of me is and wants to hold on in case he comes back. We have broken and made up multiple times…and every time I’m in a “panic mode”. I miss what previously made me happy…and I don’t know where to begin picking up the pieces. I take it day by day…and I hope it gets easier. I just wish their were a roadmap to follow!!!

  2. Jade

    My ex WAS indeed a bastard!
    Firstly, we went to Edinburgh for supposedly my birthday… was it a happy time? Was is balls!! No, i PAID for pretty much everything! The food the activities, the petrol… MY GAWD and i DONT EVEN BLOODY drive!! HE KNOWS he gets paid a hell of a lot more than i WILL EVER be but he STILL made me pay!!

    Then it comes to his birthday a month later… i go out of my way to get him a good present, he loved it and loves the mug i got him too, he still doesnt know i bought the ‘Mr Perfect’ Mug to have a sly dig at him, hahah

    Then a couple of days later i walk out on him, as i am so fed up of looking after him and him NEVER looking after me!! I ended it with him, I DONT GIVE A DAMN WHAT HES DOING RIGHT NOW, he can have his perfect life all to himself, Hes a fucking SELFISH BASTARD who can go screw himself!!
    I hope the next women who gets with him can get out a lot sooner than i did!! He had a hold on me for 4 years, 4 years of bullying and getting torn to shreds and using MY money to pay for shit HE wanted!!! But i believe now, that i am over that bastard!!!!!!

  3. Rodney

    My ex wasn’t a bastard or a bitch… :p Anyways, sometimes I can spend 70-80% of the day thinking about her but other days it could be as little as 5%. It just depends on a range of factors, like environment, stress levels and what’s going on in my life at that present moment. Some days I just feel like picking up my phone and calling her and telling her all about my day and troubles (but, of course, I can’t do that anymore)… sucks pretty bad. She was my first love as well. I told her she would always have a special place in my heart when I broke up with her… you don’t know how true that is until you let them go… Thinking about her still hurts sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you should stop living your life to the fullest :)

    • ellensmoak

      Thank you for your comment! Amazing how much time we spent sometimes, huh? I used mantras and affirmations to end the thinking…they are free for you if you would like :) xo

      • Lily

        Thanks for your advice but I don’t think any thing is helping me get over him I miss him and the days we used to spend together, we go to the same school we’ll hes nearly finishing school now but I’ll see him around school in the hallways everywhere and its so hard for me but he will almost have a smug look on his face as If to say ha you really feel for me that time didn’t you and it upsets me to think that he could just forget about me so easily. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over him and it makes me so angry the fact that hes made me feel this way

      • LJ Joseph

        I was with my ex for 20 years and I called it a day around 9 months ago. I still think about him on average about 20/30% every day. We have children together and because he isn’t completely out of my life I suppose that’s why I’m finding it so hard. I felt sick to the stomach when I realised he’d moved on so quickly and I’m constantly thinking did I do the right thing. It really bothers me when I know he’s staying at his girlfriends house and I hate feeling like this. Please help

        • ellensmoak

          Hi! Thank you for posting this and thank you for your vulnerability and honesty! I am so sorry to hear this! Well, you’ve found a place where all of this is very understood. I’ve helped thousands of people around the world heal and find their happy again. I would love you to meet them! We are all in a very private online group – everyone who has used my healing system. Take a look at it here – http://ellensmoak.com/products/get-over-a-breakup/. And let me know how else I can help. Sending love! Ellen

    • Sam

      Hi there, i don’t know if i am over reacting or what, but ive come to a point where i think i seriously need some help. Me and my ex broke up around 10 months ago but i keep thinking about her every single day. she was my first love too. This whole year has been a struggle but ive reached a point where i think about her excessively and always wonder what she’s up to. Please help

    • xannie

      I know its a while since you posted , but why did you break up? I was dumped it was a amicable break up after 4 years

  4. Trish

    desparate, really wasted sooo many years trying to stop waiting ..but it just goes on…

  5. Simon

    I would love any help – I have just found out my ex has started seeing someone and I am completely lost. She is my every thought.

  6. Chris

    Hi, I just want to destroy m ex…. I was married for 17 years and I just want people to know the truth…… I was a dedicated husband and now have custody of our 3 children, because she didn’t want the responsibility. People don’t know that I have custody….. The oldest is 13. I don’t think about her all the time, but sometimes I do and it is paralyzing. I want people, family on her side, friends, whoever to know the truth…. that she cheated on me multiple times. With her best friends husband, with my best friend, and probably with others too. Her best friend had a 9 month old baby and she still slept with her husband. I found out about my best friend having sex with her, from her best friend…it had happened 16 years before. Why do I want to destroy her…because I want her to feel the pain that she’s caused me….. I want her to feel the humiliation……when people know who the real piece of s*** person she is, and her big, dark, dirty little secret.

    She hooked up with a younger guy 13 years her junior before our divorced was even finalized. We went from being separated to divorced in less than 3 months…. We still live really close to one another in a very small community so this is out in the public arena a little. I find it embarrassing. She wasn’t discrete about anything…. now we are at the 7 month mark….I want her to just go and she’s telling me that she’s going to in October. Following him to Texas. I’ve took the high road, but I just want to let loose. I asked her if she had told anyone about her cheating on me after one more incident where I didn’t think she was being considerate to me….i.e. the new boyfriend, her friends, her family etc and she told me no. I know that’s her little dirty secret and she is very concerned with people’s perceptions. I just want to tell everyone….why?? so they can know who the real person is, and not the fake person that she show’s everyone. I know I need to forgive and forget, but her behavior continues to be a source of irritation to me….I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do.

  7. divs

    i am a med student from gujarat india,..my gf dumped me 2 months back.. i still cant stop thinkin about her.. i have tried hard, i have been humiliated in front of her family when i went to try and convince her to get back together.. because at that point of time, they all started blaming me for the break up.. i was alone, my parents didnt even know i’d gone there.. she had the support of her entire family as if it was all my fault.. and i believed her.. for a long time.. but no, it wasnt my just fault..but she doesnt seem to care anymore.. she seems happy.. it was a 2.5 year relationship, and i feel lonely.. my parents try to cheer me up, but truth is i feel lonely, and discouraged, and hopeless and i find myself thinkin about her while driving or sleeping or eating or takin a bath or visiting a friend in the area or visiting the mall…. i dream of becoming a neurosurgeon.. the truth is, now when i look back i gave everythin i had to her, all my time and my energy.. i kept her happy.. she was happy… then how could she just forget everythin??? it hurts, it pains… i have never felt like this my entire life.. never..

    • Mahamaya

      My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. we had been together for 2.5 yrs. earlier this year when I tried to leave he wud call up saying how he wanted me back in his lyf and it was killing him to b without me. I grew weak, I guess I had hope above everything else, hope in our love and went back to him. last week he sent a whatsapp msg saying our thing shud b over, that he needed to forget me and he wanted time for tht. I am from India. people here believe in arranged marriages more than love marriage. I was willing to fight for him for our love but when the moment came for him, he chose not to b with me but go ahead and marry the girl tht his parents choose for him. what hurts most is tht even after being together for 2.5 yrs he didn’t believe in our love as much as he did d rules and regulations set by the society and family.

      • kushmakar shukla

        sorry to hear that .
        i from india as well .. i would advice you to hang out with friends and move on in life .
        i know how it feels to be heart broken but indian society is very complex some times things happen which are not in control of either of us . may be he wanted to marry you but his family pressure might have changed his mind . and that family pressure could be any thing . mostly emotional blackmails from parents .

        i wish a good future for you. and try to focus on positive things in life rather than being stuck in past

  8. Kelly

    I was wih my ex for 10 years, we broke up 8 months ago but as we still work together running a business i am finding it extremely hard to move on. He also has a new girlfriend which is killing me as i do believe we are soulmates. I watched your videos but do i have to break all contact from him to work on myself? Its heartbreaking knowing he is with someone else and he is constantly on my mind. If he is my soulmate – should i stay in his life or if i break away completely will he stay with his current girlfriend and forget me. It’s so hard meeting people nowadays- most of my friends have been single for years which makes me feel as though he was the one and it is most likely no one else will ever come along. I just dont know what to do!

  9. raymond

    I just really want to get rid of thinking about my ex. its really affecting all what I do,my life. I seriously want to be free from her. Pls kindly help me,I need u guys now. Plssssss

  10. justsomeguy

    I lost 4 years of life on woman that never loved me…i dam sure made her know every day i love her and all what she done was taking and not giving and at end she left me with 8 years younger guy…I cant belive im so stupid that i think of her 100% time of day every minute goes by im thinking of her…I know im stupid but i just cant get her out of my head…at least there is some justice on world…this new guy is cheating her, he was already insulting her badly, playing video games whole days and smoking weed in her apartment and she forgive him because she loves him. Yep she got her own medicine…she traded person who was treating her like Princess for total looser with no job.Im just hoping i will be over her soon before she comes runing back to me because i know im to weak and i will forgive her.

    • PJ

      Don’t take her back you will just get hurt again and worse this time. Try to forgive her for yourself but let her go as she will never change. I say this from experience. I was with my ex wife for 17 years married 11 and I was the emotional rock who forgave and took her back after cheating. I was there there again through her recovery from alcohol abuse and cheated on again…. Yes again I took her back when she actually did the 12 steps only to be left yet again for a recovering drug addict….. I went through a house fire alone and the loss of my dog which hurt the most 6 weeks after my home burned down. I took her back after the house was rebuilt and as I said was left again and this time I stood up for myself and my needs. She is non empathetic and I am convinced she has now idea what love is at the least it doesn’t mean the same to me as it does her

  11. lea

    i cant stop thinking about her. and i know this is stupid and makes it more stupid because she have hurt me more than anyone in this world. i am now in a different country, with different culture, language since we promised that we will build a life here, just us. too bad, i was left here alone, she got back with her ex boyfriend, then we broke up. after a few months.. she was here at the same country we both envisioned ourselves before, but we are strangers. i know where she lives she works and her number but we are totally strangers. these things are making me crazy. i am so tired of this… i want live my day not hurting anymore( this is how she-my ex and my friends perceived me) but every second of the day i feel awful.

  12. Anna

    I can’t stop thinking about my ex. We dated for nearly 2 years and he just threw it away like it meant nothing to him. I guess I was so swept away as he was my first love that I didn’t want to mess things up by focusing on all the negative things. When I did start to mention things, he would fix them and then go back to the way he was. He was always so cheap about everything, heck he didn’t even get me a birthday present, it was always his family and friends that took priority never me. I never got the proper care, love or attention so why is it that nearly after a year I still am thinking about the ass?! I saw him recently and he just looked away with a guilty look on his face while his friends laughed in the background. I don’t know why I am still revolving him around the center of my life, I fear I will never ever get over him because I love him too much. I can’t spend anymore time thinking about him, I’m exhausted I need my freedom!

  13. virgenia nez

    please!!! help me about my stupid ex keeps going into my mind . i wish i could just forget about him and move on but today i saw him with a anthor woman and i feel like why please!!! help me to forget about this dosh bag :)

  14. Sherry Gray

    First off, Glad I found your site, I thought I was pathetic, thinking about the prick all the time! Why Is it so hard to feel good about myself without HIM by my side! I think my prides hurt, because i’ve never been dumped before! lol..i was the dumper, maybe i had it coming! But It was so good for so many years., then he hit mid life crisis! So i’m not takin the blame for his stupid decisions..Thanks :) Sherry

  15. Louise

    My boyfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago and I didn’t see it coming. We had our own issues, differences in personality, different way of doing things but we always figured it out. After 4 weeks of not being together, he said he had made a mistake and wanted to give us another go. After a very long time thinking about it and talking about it we decided to and we broke up again 2 weeks ago. I feel completely heart broken. I know it was the right decision for us to break up and we came to that agreement mutually. However much we wanted to be together we coulnd’t find a way to make it work, we wanted different things from a relationship. The thing I am finding the hardest is that he seems completely fine, I feel almost worse than I did the first time around but he seems fine. He says that breaking up the second time after we talked things through gave him closure and however much he misses me he knows it was right.
    What I don’t understand is, even though it is right, why do I hurt so much and he doesn’t?
    We work together so see each other every day, we talk every now and again and he texts me askign to see me which I have said no to but then sometimes I cave and see him and we end up acting the way we did when we were together, the only difference is I feel incredibly sad when I know he has to leave or I have to go and start to get upset and ask him all sorts of questions about whether he is over me. What is wrong with me? How do I stop doing this?

  16. Rob

    I have spent two years thinking about my ex. She comes into the picture because of the kids and lures me back in with sex every time. I love her very much. We are on and off since the divorce. I met another woman and had a good thing with her. My ex wife came back and told me she loved me and what a mistake it was to let me go. So I broke it off with my girlfriend. 3 weeks later my ex wife stops talking to me. She seems to only want me in spurts. Mostly sex. I know guys should not care but my heart gets involved every time. I Told Her Tonight I Was Done Doing this. Either be with me or not. She said let’s be cool for the kids only. I’m OK I guess with that but just confused why she keeps coming back to me. I think it is because she is afraid of starting something with someone else. I’m comfortable. That sucks. I want to be loved and desired on an everyday level not just when she is horny. One of my girlfriends told me that I’m the kind of guy women have an affair with not the one they marry. I enjoyed being a husband. Looks like I’m the guy on the side from now on. I feel like I should stop trying to be the good guy I want to be with one woman and be the bad boy women want.

    • ellensmoak

      Hi Rob! Thank you for commenting. How is everything? I’m open to having a conversation offline with you about this. Are you on my newsletter? If so, send me an email ok? xo

  17. Little L

    Hi Ellen

    I found this page because I was googling help to stop thinking and missing my ex so much; now thats how desperate I am. I always catch myself thinking about him, no matter what Im doing! Its so frustrating! If Im watching a movie, Im either seeing “him and I” in it or fantasizing abt watching one with him in the future. If Im sleeping I sometimes even dream about him! What gets to me the most is the fact that I know he is not thinking about me at all. I dont go out much because the last thing i want is to bump into him with someone else! Please help me!

    • ellensmoak

      Hi! I totally get it, which is why this site is up and why I’ve created the free video series for you. Did you sign in to be able to watch it?

  18. chyna

    I need help forgetting my ex, he treated me likr crap had a baby on me with someone else while we were together called me every name there was and i really want to forget him thinking about him all day still is really ruining my life

  19. izzylee

    thank you so much, i found it very comforting to know its not only me who feels this way, and i had never looked at it from a wasted time perspective before, what an excellent outlook!

  20. Laura

    He walked out of the home we shared a week ago, I’m a mess. I can’t cope. I just want him to come home but I know he isn’t going too.

  21. Ashley

    It’s been a year and a half, or somewhere around there. I still wake up every morning and the first thing I think about is him… as my new boyfriend lays beside me. We live in a small area, we run into each other all the time. We are not on speaking terms, infact we act as if we never knew each other at all. He has a new girlfriend, and in a short-hand story – I believe she wedged herself between us and a few months later she was a thing. He took OUR dog from me, (8 months adter the break up, we had shared custody until then. It killed me to let her go but I had to cut those ties and I didn’t want to fight with him anymore.) They seem incrdibly happy, and I am happy for him (kind of) but I’m still sad for me. I feel like I compare my new boyfriend constantly, and our relationship isn’t anywhere near as strong as my ex and I were.
    I want to stop. I want to move on… and most of all; I want to be happy. I feel like I let these thoughts and feelings drag me down all day long… I don’t feel good, I’m sad, I want it to be over.
    I never got any answers or closure, maybe that is what keeps it fresh in my mind.
    I want to be thinking about ME, about bettering my own life. I want to wake up in the morning and think about my day… not the ‘whys?’
    So why are memories still torturing me? I know what I need to do but just can’t seem to get past it. I need help…

    • M

      That’s my story, except I kept the dog and he doesn’t even seem to care that we exist. He moved out while I was at school teaching after our second argument in 3 years and it was about a career change and I said I just wanted him to be happy, even if it took longer to figure out. I saw him a few times after, so he could get more things- he was either very cold and withdrawn or acted like nothing had happened. He’s moved cities now and I don’t see him often. I think of him often and I believe it’s because I don’t have closure. I do t know why.

  22. Cristina

    Dear Ellen,

    I am 16 years old and I know I am young but I broke up with my ex 3 months ago and I cant stop thinking about him. I have tried to distance myself from him but we have 2 classes together, we are in our schools drama department together, and I go to church with him and his family on Sundays. He was my first boyfriend and my first love. My parents say they have tried to help me but all the have done is yell at me to get over him and that he is just a stupid boy. I have tried asking my friends for help but all they say is that I am to good for him and to stop talking to him. Well i cant because we like all the same things, hangout with all the same people, and participate in all the same activities. I have tried not talking to him but every time I try I get depressed and start crying uncontrolable. Lately I have been having dreams about us getting back together, but I know it wont happen. I am trying to be his friend but my dad said if I am always around him he will soon start to hate me. I have been texting my friend and he just told me that my ex asked him why am I always following him. I try not to always be around him but I hate being alone, because if I am alone I start to think and it is never good for me to start thinking. I dont want to forget about him because I still like him. I know he probably doesnt like me anymore but I need to know what to do. Can you please help me??

  23. shane

    We were the “Exception to the Rule” for 15 years. The gay couple with a home and the child we adoped after we had been together for 12 years. Immagine my suprize when I discovered that while I was home doing Everything a stay-at-home mother does, and all the things a stereo-typical man does; yardwork and home repairs, and taking care of my dying 85 y/o grandmother and her home and going broke every month while he managed to secretely save over $56k. Immagine my suprize when I found his cell phone with over 3000 text messages between him and his co-worker/boyfriend. I was dumb enough to believe that he was “going to the gym” everyday after work For 3 Years! Well, Looking back, I knew he was lying. I was living in denial. After I got my wake-up call, (the middle of Oct 2013) I put him on the curb with the trash and told him I never wanted to see his face again, I’ve spent many a day (and night) feeling so humilliated and used. Since “D-Day” I discovered fraudulant credit card accounts, a secrete drug problem and sex addiction, and many other things that tell me I was lucky to get out when I did. But ….. that doesn’t make it any less painful. I live each day wondering how I’m going to raise a child by myself. I am 45 afterall. But then again, I was doing it all myself anyway (plus taking care of him). At least I’m now I’m not alone.

  24. Fiora

    I broke up with my BF of one year and a half some weeks ago. I feel really bad most of the time. I do not cry and that worries me. Even though I feel pity for myself when I do, I feel relieved after. What upsets me the most is that he never accepted we were breaking up. He never said anything to my face. Only repeated that we argue a lot and he needed time and again time after that. I decided to end things by sending him a text and he replied by saying that I will live my life with you inside. Who the hell knows what he meant?? He has never called since. I try not to bump into him as I do not want to. I have even changed my way home not to see him on the street. Most of the time I wonder whether he ever thinks of the promises he made and of the plans we had together?? I hope this finishes as soon as possible. I don’t have much social life for the moment as i live in a small city so it;s even more difficult to kill time. I hate him so much for how he treated me in the end and at the same time i miss him so much. I miss spending time with him. Honestly?? I’m not sure if this is Love. I’ll figure it out in the future maybe. For the moment I feel so so lonely

  25. Maryam

    Awesome advise!! Yes i do agree i spend so much time thinking about my ex, yet i could be doing so much better. And im always thinking about a guy who might not even think about me 5% in his day. Thank you, i will follow this advise!

  26. Marie

    Dear Ellen, I still think about my ex all the time. we separated in February and now after everything I went through emotionally with him and everything that’s been said I cant stop thinking of how things could have been, how things were, and the sentimental moments we shared with one another. I think about him at least 40- 50% of my day everyday, on a good day its 30- 35%. Id rather be thinking of my career and the different things I want to pursue, however, when ever I do a reminder of him pops into my brain. There are reminders everywhere. Not sure what to do..

  27. Jai

    I just had my break up, she was my first love, in my relationship we both were good but her parents wants to marry her as soon as possible, and i was busy in settling my future because i had no job when her parents make her engagement anywhere else. At that time i was not ready to marry but after 2 months of her engagement i feel that every thing will lost if she married to another guy i thought that she was the perfect girl for me. Then i told her to say no for marriage to her parents and the guy who is engaged with her, tell him that you love me and you can not marry him. But she refused my offer she said it is too late now, she has affair with 2 other guys before me so it is not big deal for her but that was my first love so i feel so bad, Before 1 month ago she got married to that guy and i was feeling so bad and i am not focusing on my career now when nothing can happen, how i forget her please help me. I think that was my fault if i tell her before that we will marry please talk to her parents then we can hold her marry at least for one year, I feel guilty because i never told her that i will marry her so that she got engaged with that guy other wise whe will never got married anywhere else. I want to forget her now,

  28. Tina C.

    So far so good, but after the first video, the second video isn’t available. There’s no way to access it; no place to click on it. I wish I could watch it.

  29. Prat95

    When you were like you could be the hottest, I laughed out loud, god it just made me feel so bettwr suddenly. I was looking for something like this. Thanks a lot! This helped me for a while, I don’t know about my feelings and mood an hour but I hope this thing continues to cheer me up, seriously you become so helpless after a break up….:(

  30. Sally

    I don’t want to exaggerate my issue…….I led the dumping coz I was scared of him doing it first though I got it all from the signs of time. I’m certain then he ain’t thinking abt me bt I’m mad@ myself for thinking abt him….I hv myself preoccupied with a job bt it happens that thoughts of him creep in my mind each time I’m free….it could take an hour or two going through flashbacks of our then happy tyms. I’m scared of meeting up with him coz as much as I told him off, I didn’t mean it….it was to keep my ego ….I’m certain it won’t work out either way n I hv distanced myself from him n promise myself to keep it that way coz if anything I don’t Want to seem desperate . I dread to think that he’s with someone else bt it’s so obvious he’s moved on…..my problem is that I hv all facts with me to help me move on n keep off bt my mind is stuck on him! !! this annoys me so plz help me on what I need to do to pull this off

  31. Ric

    About 60% of the time for myself, she wasn’t very nice to me , but when I broke up with her she actually begged me to stay, nobody has done that before, I still left but i keep wondering if I should have stayed? Now she is back with her ex who abused her and she is telling me he is perfect for her and that she has never been happier, and yet I’m still single…. Why does it feel unfair? Probably sounds stupid , but how it’s so easy for her to just move on?

    • ellensmoak

      It sounds like she’s finding security with her ex – even though it seems unreal that she could if it is abusive. How are you doing these days? Any updates?

  32. Devastated

    Hi. I can’t stop thinking about my ex who suddenly dumped me in an extremely hurtful manner and ruined and took all of my inheritance and family heirlooms. We had been together for over 10 years and I knew her for over 25 years. We built our “dream house” together – she never put me on the title of the house that I poured ALL of my money into – then took advantage of the fact we are gay and changed the locks and said I had been renting. I then sued her and won the court case but the legal fees have eaten up all of what I will receive and to top it off, she’s appealing. I have been in this for two years, all the while scrambling to find work and living out of suitcases for the most part. She threatened to ruin my career and said I’d never work in this city again. We were in the same industry and it is a big city but a “small town” in our profession. And I have not been able to get hired in my industry and I fear she has gone through with this. Looking back and I see she was using me and she really qualifies as a psychopath. Now I can see it all. This wasn’t a normal breakup, she never told me why she was doing this, and tracing the steps back I can see how she planned this whole thing from the beginning of designing the house with our architect (who testified against her in court) and did it without me realizing it. Now I am waiting for an appeal, I want to just settle, but I can’t do it now because the legal fees are so high. I don’t want to be involved in this anymore but I am stuck with the situation. I don’t know why I keep thinking about her and have flashbacks of “aha” moments when I remember other things she has done that could have been clues to her plans had I been paying attention. There’s a site called Lovefraud.com and on there are other people who have had similar experiences with psychopaths. I certainly deserve to live a good life now after all I have been through but I feel vert stupid for believing all of her lies (about many things – suspected affairs – I caught her in small lies so why didn’t I leave? A liar is a liar). I hung on and continued to have faith and loyalty while she was fucking me over and emotionally and verbally abusing me. And now I can’t seem to focus on anything else like finding a job – sometimes I can but I agree I think about her and what she is doing and what her next move will be at least 60% of my days. I feel scared and helpless even though she was found to have committed fraud in court on three counts. I just can’t stop wondering why she did this and why I fell for it and why I truly loved her. I did, I really did – but I don’t know if that was even her now. I think she was pretending the whole time, wanted to get married, wanted to have children, wanted to build the dream house together all of it – and now I have nothing, my things were literally stolen and destroyed, and I need to stop thinking about this ASAP so I can go on with my life. Thanks for listening and reading what has to be redundant. I am caught in a cycle that I can’t get out of. I am devastated and have been knocked down and have not been able to get back up. And I feel obsessed with it.

  33. Samantha

    hi, im going to make this quick as i spend all day every day thinking about my ex husband, we are still sleeping together which is making my life miserable but i cant stop, my confidence is at an all time low, we have a 6 year old son together and both want to bring him up as a family but he lives with his mum now and my son and i live in the family home, he comes round every day to see my son and for us to be with our son together so he doesnt feel the separation, we also go on holiday together but only for our son, and if i didnt still love him this wouldnt be a problem, i need to move those kind of thoughts from my head and definately need to stop thinking we can get back together because i seperated from him because, he was a cheat and still is he is also an emotional mind game player to, so i need to be able to get rid of him from my head, and my bed i need help, i cant stop seeing him completely as much as this would be the preferable course of action, as we have our little boy, but i have to do something before i go absolutely round the bend and break completely. please please help me regards samantha x

  34. Jai


    My name is Jaiveer I am from India, I had only 4 month relationship with my girl friend, actually she already had a breakup with a guy then she meet me and we started talking, after that we meet again and again, we are in relationship now and do sex also, she was not serious and me too for marriage so soon because I have no job at that time, but after 4 month relationship her parents make her engagement anywhere else, I told her to do that because I can not marry her so soon and her parents can not wait for settlement of my carrier. After her engagement she started crying over phone that she wants to marry me, then I become serious so I told her to say no to boy who is engaged with her, but she refused my proposal I tried many thing but now she got married with that boy in feb 2014, I feel so alone now, after 2 months I feel that ok now move on but again from 2 days I am feeling bad because her hubby coming and take her with him where he lives, what should I do now after three and half month why I am remembering her, is this for whole life that I again and again remember her and feeling sad? When this pain will end please help me.

  35. Amy

    This really helped me I feel like I can leave my ex (Joel) behind and look forward to all the brilliant things will happen in the future.
    Thank you Amy

  36. Ewan Minford

    I spend more than 30-40% a day easy thinking about my x , and if I could do anything instead of thinking about my x . I would be with her :(

  37. Alyssa

    I was struggling with anxiety a little before my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because of starting college and a new environment. Now my anxiety has gotten worse because of the breakup and constantly wondering about him. Some days I find it easier than others to forget about him, but there are days where all I can think about is him and if he has moved on or forgotten about me. He is going to school at my same college this coming up semester and told me if things settle we might have another shot. I would love to get back together with him, but I’m afraid the same thing is going to happen. We didn’t end on a bad note as far as the reasoning behind him breaking up with me but he is being wishy washy and he recognized that it wasn’t fair to me and ended it and I’m not sure what to do. My friends are so quick to hate him and I don’t like them talking poorly about him. Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me.

  38. Jenna Richey

    My thoughts: 50-60% of my day
    Why did he stop loving me?
    How did he move on so quickly?
    Does he miss me and think of me?
    I hate that I have to see him everyday at work.
    Why did he move on with her(who I also work with)?
    Will I ever feel ok again?

  39. Bridget

    It depends in the past months. For the first month it was the hardest thing ever as he use to be to be one of my best friends. 2nd month after a family trauma broke the no contact he wasn’t a mean asshole and he was actually nice and civil , since I was civil as well and we acknowledged it was not going to work. Right now I think about him 40% 50% I know impressive but as I gone no contact again it’s improving as I feel like distancing myself from him.

  40. Nathan

    It’s my turn to share. I’m a young man 20 years old and I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. She was everything I ever wanted. I feel like I wasted precious time with her. The day she broke up with me I purged everything that reminded me of her everything. Then I went through the 5 stages of grief. Or nearly so I don’t think it’s over yet. I knew I had to do it quickly though I cannot beat myself up about her mistake. I literally gave her all of my life every waking moment. I gave up full time at work for her and basically spent no time with my family so I could spend it with her. Now when she broke up with me this nice girl turned into a demon she said everything hurtful that she could to just get rid of me saying that morning she decided she didn’t love me anymore. That morning. She did not once even try to talk to me about any problems she felt we had she didn’t try to work things out. It makes no sense why someone would do that if they truly loved someone even the past feeling of love makes people want to work things out but she instantly gave up on me. She does not deserve my love I loved her unconditionally 100%. Even when she hurt me I still loved her. I briefly thought about killing myself but I know better than that no jerk like her is worth my life. She was worried about me breaking up with her but I promised I never would be the one to end it and I meant it. And lo and behold it wasn’t me. The day she broke up with me everything she ever gave me was thrown into her yard. I had even sewn her a heart shaped pillow to “give her my heart” the week before. I hope though someday she feels the pain she gave to me. If there is any justice karma will understand my pain. I’m slowly getting better but she keeps haunting my memories and I just want to forget.

  41. Marissa

    I recently broke up with my ex. I have been off and on again with him for about 9 years. He has a daughter that I have known for that long too. He is so selfish and I can’t communicate with him about our relationship because he always points fingers at me and lets us fall apart. I finally decided to leave him for good after he tild me that I shouldn’t be wasting my time with him if I wanted children because he absolutely doesnt want anymore. He let me walk out of his life and now I am heart broken and wish I could just move on without hating myself and my life. I’ve decided to never talk to him again. Im extremely sad and I believe on doing whats right. I still feel so attached to him even though I know I deserve better. Please give me some advise on how to heal this broken heart.

  42. pankaj shukla

    hi I was already ditched by my ex when I met this girl we started dating each other she was swt caring loving. i m not rich as compared to her but we managed it very well we dated for five months then we broke up . we had fights as well I said her so many things she not reacted much during that tym but later during break up she told my behaviour was wrong . she also had health issues and wanted me to marry someone else I abused her in anger. I still feel the pain bcz she is not with me I made her cry she is not well I m living in guilt I msg her but she blocked me . I pray for her bcz I still love her just want to go far away from her.

  43. kelly

    My boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago and he hasn’t left my mind once. I constantly think about him and what he’s doing. If he’s found someone else, how much I miss him. Just so many questions run through my head and I have dreams about him and I. I know that the break up was for the best but just the whole part of letting go is so difficult to grasp. He was my first love, how will I ever get over him? He was perfect and everything I could ever want in a boyfriend. I need help:(

  44. sadgirl

    Hi, I only just stumbled on this site. My ex wasnt horrid and struggled with ending things but I was well aware he was detaching 3-4months before he finally ended it after 5 years. Its been 6 months, suppose I have never stopped thinking about him night and day. It has intensified as I found he had someone new just recently and I feel bereft again. The trouble is I have a chronic disabling condition of which there is no cure so my coping mechanisms are limited. I am crying more and more. I would do anything toverase his memory but a lot of things used to do to be active and keep me occupied are just not possible any more. I dont know how to banish this sadness.I

  45. Jeff

    Its been over 7 months since my ex betrayed me, and i still am filled with shock and rage. Her complete denial of all the things we once shared and I all did for her fills me daily with thoughts of revenge and punishment. Obviously an unhealthy fantasy that refuses to go away. Even after meeting someone else i am plagued by what should have happened instead of the ugly truth of her deceptions and broken promises. Knowing i am better off without her doesn’t seem to reduce the desire for payback.

  46. tee

    hi, its been approximately 8months since my ex of 1 n half year broke up with me,he didn’t just break my heart nooo he broke my soul.He was everything I wanted in a man,I loved him with every inch in my heart I still…even though I have this hatred n this anger towards him.I think about him everyday 50% each day,some days are better than others while some are just worse. Sometimes I think about him so much that I end up dreaming about him taking me back,when I wake up n realize that it was only just a dream I’m going to have the saddest day of my life it hurts so bad I can’t seem to get over him,every guy I meet I compare them with him,i just can’t move on which makes it harder I don’t see myself with any other guy but him…I just want to be happy be me

  47. Marina Suzette

    I had my first love with someone who I believed was my soul mate. I think about him every single day, and it’s weird because I remember when I first left him it was so rare for me to think about him. I dream of him every single night. The dreams could be about him being fucked up to me or us together again. I have a boyfriend who treats me the best anyone has ever had and I have had a couple guys I was talking to after me and my first love broke up. But I think non-stop about him. I don’t think I’m still in love with him but deep down inside I could be?? I am very attatched to my boyfriend and love him very much. I don’t even think I would leave him if my first love tried getting back with me. I am just so confused, I’m trying to forget him. Or could it be I’m just covering him up? Those are lyrics from a song, and it really made me think about it. I woke up crying this morning because in my dream we were driving around and then he said he was going to stay with his girlfriend. And it’s just like fuck why can’t I get him out of my head. All fucking day I am wondering about how he is, what he’s doing, replaying our memories in our head. Are first loves the only love that will always matter ? :/ I just wish there was a way to stop thinking about him. We were together for 2years and I know it’s a lot to just throw down the drain but I need to move on and focus on the now .

  48. Rebecca

    Hi all I’m new to this…
    I was with the love of my life a guy who I fell in love with deeply, for 3mths until his family matters took him away and he cudnt venture along way to see me..
    He’s now back with his cheating ex and kids and has a baby with her..tell u wot I cried for 5 mths over him, tbh Im still in love with him..altho I’m with someone else. I can’t fall in love with him..will I eva again..I’m I just with my new partner for a rebound?..the love of my life was around 3yrs ago and Iv been with the man I’m with now for almost a year..I wonder if he is the one,even tho he’s in love with me, paranoid and insecure due to his past exs..
    I don’t no what todo…oh n my now partner knows I’m not in love with him, and that My hearts still with someone else..I’m I living on a lie?

  49. John Paul

    I had a great relationship with my ex’s kids and I miss them dearly. I probably stayed too long due to my feelings for them. When everything finally exploded into a final argument she started personally attacking all of my insecurities saying things to me that nobody had ever said. I feel bad for saying some nasty personal things back at her. I dont miss or obsess over her but I do constantly think of the kids the dog and cats that im never going to see again. And I cant stop thinking about all the horrible things she said to me which were very hurtful. She hit some really sensitive spots and I want to know how to stop thinking about those things

  50. melodine

    Hi I’m 24 year old young i started going with guys sins i was 19 years old nothing serious an til i met what i though was my soul mate i met him at 20 my first real relationship things was amazing i didn’t know anything about being in a relationship so all i did was make him happy did everything he asked of me in the first year people learn about each other all i learn is what he told me when one morning another woman called saying its her boyfriend and they have 3 children together he was 24 at that time he left her for me i didn’t ask him to but i accepted it the next year was good no woman no cheating the next year it all started again lying,cheating i begged him not to leave me i accepted him with he’s cheating and now its been 4 years and still he has not stopped he will never so i left him but i keep think of him 50-50% I want to say 100% of everyday i don’t know how to stop

  51. ellensmoak

    Thank you for your feedback, Viki. I have added to the article that my healing mantras and affirmations are available for free…AND a 60 minute audio on how to use them and why they work scientifically to change your brain. I have dozens of posts with valuable information. You must not have looked around my site at all. That’s too bad. I’m helping and couching tens of thousands of men and women all around the world, I speak regularly, and my book is on the way to be a best seller soon. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.


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