Who else has ever slept with a man, and then they disappeared?

It’s infuriating, isn’t it? You open your heart (and your lady parts) in an effort to get closer to your man, only to have it backfire when he pulls away from you. What gives?

Why is it that your man pull away and runs from you after being intimate and sharing what you thought was an intimate, connected experience? Well, I’m going to cover three possible explanations for you today. See if any of these three possible explantations could pertain to you.

Any woman who has ever experienced this feels the same. You’re confused. You’re vulnerable. And you’re screaming inside – both screaming at him for his blatant disrespect, and screaming at yourself for letting him in.

Keep in mind, however, that every situation is different — so trust your gut.

Reason #1 That Men Pull Away After Sex:

Have you ever asked your man what he’s looking for in a relationship? You know what you want — but do you know what he wants? It’s very common for women to not ask men what they’re looking for, especially before having sex.

As a coach, I talk to women all the time about their relationships. The first thing I ask every woman is, “What does he want? Does he want to get married? Does he want kids? And, do YOU?”  A surprising amount of women reply that they don’t know what he wants, and that they’ve never even asked.

Why is this? Why is it so hard for a woman to ask a man what he’s looking for? The most common answer I get when I’ve asked other women why they’re not asking is that you’re afraid to scare him away. You’re afraid that if you ask him what he wants that you’ll seem desperate or needy — or that he won’t want to see you anymore because you’re trying to get too “serious” too fast…

So you proceed without knowing what he wants, you stay light and carefree and go-with-the-flow, and you have sex with him. You want to be the woman who’s easy to get along with, instead of coming across as controlling or uptight. You want to be “better” than the other women he’s been with, because all of them were too emotional or too dramatic or too whatever.

But here’s the problem: You’re staying on the surface in your relationship. If you’re dancing around the more intimate “serious” conversations, not ever bringing them up, then your actual intimate encounters between the sheets will have a harder time hitting the level of intimate depth or seriousness that you’re looking for.

Deep, intimate conversations lead to deeper, more intimate sex, which leads to deeper, more intimate, and more serious relationships — assuming, of course, that you both want the same thing, which leads me to reason #2 that men pull away after sex:

Reason #2 That Men Pull Away After Sex:

Have you had the “what do you want” conversation already? Have you clearly expressed you needs, wants and desires in return? Often times, we women will kind of tell a man what we want, yet we still keep dating someone who isn’t on our same page.
If you’re doing this, then you’re not standing up for yourself. And when you don’t stand up for yourself, a man will start to lose respect for you. Men want to be with a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it. This increases the respect that he has for you, and it increases his attraction to you. Surveys show that men find confidence to be the #1 most attractive quality in a woman.

Asking for what you want in a relationship takes confidence – so when you state what you want, and stand by what you deserve, you actually come across very confident, strong, and self-assured. Men like this. They want this. And the woman they choose to commit to is a woman who speaks up for herself, and stands up for what she knows she’s worth.

It may be scary to be this bold, but the alternative is much worse. The alternative is you not getting what you want, not having your needs met, and potentially wasting a whole lot of time on someone who isn’t willing to give you what you truly want.

Reason #3 That Men Pull Away After Sex:

Let’s face it. How many times have you had sex with someone before having a commitment? If you’re dating with the intention of being someone’s girlfriend (or someone’s wife), then having sex before having a commitment is risky. Why? Because sex is completely different for a man than it is for a woman. For example, did you know that sex bonds a woman to a man in a stronger way that sex bonds a man to a woman?

Research has shown that women experience a “oxytocin bath” when they have sex with a man, which is similar to giving birth. The oxytocin bath bonds the mother with the child, and strengthens the attachment that she has with her baby. This bond is similar to the one that’s created when you have sex — you actually experience a chemical release in your brain that bonds you to your partner, leaving you feeling much more attached than you felt prior to having sex with him.

Have you ever tried to “have sex like a man” – meaning that you were just having sex for fun, without a commitment? Most of the time when women do this, they fail. You end up liking the other person and wanting more, or maybe you’re the one who pulls away because the situation starts to feel too challenging (and you weren’t looking for that.)

This happens, in part, because of oxytocin. And you want to know the most confusing part about all of this? The most confusing part is that your man is not experiencing this same bond that you are. Yes, they may be bonding with you — but it’s not because they have the same chemical reaction that you do. So, men can have sex with a woman, and then walk out. A man can also have sex with you without being in love with you and without ever wanting a relationship from you either.

So — what should you do? Well, my assumption is that you’re reading this because it hurt when he pulled away. And I’m also going to assume that you do want a relationship, or him pulling away wouldn’t bother you so much. So, my best advice to you is this:

Always date with a crystal clear intention of what you want in a relationship — and do NOT give away the most precious, valuable, and vulnerable part of yourself until you’ve first established a solid partnership and a strong, committed foundation in which to start a relationship.

So, am I asking you to wait to have sex until you’re boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, yes, actually. I am. I’m suggesting that you date with girlfriend or wife status in mind, and not waste your time dating men who don’t share your same vision of a healthy, happy relationship…

Not having open, honest communication is a very common reason that men pull away after sex — or at anytime, really. Not sharing your truth, understanding his, and being willing and able to communicate openly and honestly about what you both desire is a big reason for many breakdowns inside relationships. If you want a happy, healthy relationship, you really need to put communication on the top of your priority list — in particularly, how to share your truth.

If the truth is that you want to be with a relationship or marriage-minded man, then make sure to ask any man you ever go out with what they want, what they’re looking for, if they would like to get married at some point, and if they want to have children.

Happy, healthy relationships are created from solid commitments between two people who share their truths in open, honest ways with one another. Don’t be too scared to share yours — and share it on the very first date! What you want is worthy of being shared — and YOU are worthy of receiving it.

If you haven’t yet found someone who shares your vision of love — or you’re still looking for answers on what to do or how to get over what’s happening to you, then watch my free video series below. You’ll learn if he’s your soulmate, what to do if you want him back, the #1 mistake you might be making, and how to stop thinking about him all the time:

Video #1: Is He Your Soulmate?
Video #2: The #1 Mistake You’re Making.
Video #3: How To Take Your Power Back.

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74 Responses to “Why Men Pull Away After Sex”

  1. APP

    This is very helpful information! I am just trying to figure out what to do with this man I recently slept with twice in a matter of a week. I met online, exchanged emails and had three dates, and we had sex on the third date. Then again on the fourth date a few days later. He canceled on me after suggesting to meet again the following day, and then he has not initiated anything. He ignores me for the whole weekends and then texts me on Sunday evening, saying “I hope you are having a great weekend,” which sounds like we are just getting to know each other. I know for a fact he is still online searching, as I am, so I am not going to sweat over this, but I am feeling neglected and used. It does help me feel a lot better about the situation that a man NEEDS to pull away, and that I probably did not do anything wrong to make him pull away … I am not sure if there is anything more to be gained from this man, but I shall see … thanks again for the great post!!

    • ellensmoak

      You are MOST welcome honey! I’m happy it helped you. Please keep in touch. I just put together a new video series so join my list and you’ll get it for free 🙂 xo Ellen

      • Bella

        Dear ellensmoak,I am so happy saw this article,it is help for me understand a guy I just had sex in one week before,and we mad online social app.we just like get crust on eazh other,and had erotic conversation on the app.i mean he was send me message first.and things happen .i feel like I got crush on him,he such a handsome young guy,I am 28,he said he has 23,but I do think he younger,when we first time met,I felt so comfort with him,and he just so wants me and felt so horny with me,then we end up had sex..the next day,we suppose going movie together ,but he’s gone,I called and texted him,of course no reply ,and the next day he replied me said he felt so bad to replied me..then no more text.i just felt he just cheated me for sex….and the most important thing,I’m marriage.i feel so terrible and disgusted of myself.but I still wants him and miss him…..and i was always thinking I am a cheap and easy woman??i was told him I want us be friend,and he didn’t reply too?feeling bad,confuse and terrible…please help me,what should I do.thanks so much!!

    • nicole

      I have been sleeping with this guy for 10yrs. After 6 months of sleeping with him I got married, he was very upset, as was I to. I cried and cried and tried to leave my current spouse but I just couldn’t. He was also in a relationship. 2 months after I got married we started seeing eachother again, before I got married we did other things besides having sex, go for walks, ect. Ever since I got married, he is now with a different girlfriend but our time together is strictly cuddling watching tv talking even having deep talks. He says I’m the best in bed and when we are together our eyes just stayed locked. So this has been going on for 10yrs now and a year ago I told him I wanted to be with him and that I would leave my husband. Everytime I talk like that he stops seeing me. However texting can go in spirts of everyday all day long but onlt if I text first. If I don’t text him it takes a couple weeks for him to text. He always answers back within a min. But now we have been having sex again and I didn’t text him till the 3rd day but he is ignoring me. I truly love this guy, and a couple months ago I did it I texted him and said I love you. I think of this guy as my soulmate. No matter where I am he ends up near me. I dream every night about him. Does this guy even care about me?

    • Rina

      Hi Ellen
      thank you very much for this, however this valuable information came to light after i had already contacted him and left like three messages

      what do i do now?


  2. Tiffany Brown

    Been Know that Guys for over 3 years, but never really just spent a lot of time with him. One day he called me out the blue with a offer per business, I really wanted to look into. Because of that I started spending more time with this guy. I started to really like his ways. He was Smart, Nice, believe in God, Great conversation. I would go over to his place everyday per his request and we would just do business plans, that’s it. 3 week of seeing him like everyday, we ending up kissing the connection had always been there. He told me that he really Like me and I really like him, from that point he try a couple of time to have sex, I told him that I felt that we were not really for that, he would agree with me. To make a long story short, we finally had Sex, he got mean and told me I had to make a decision between him or business. I went with the business plan! Our friendship is on the rocks and he don’t treat me the same, my heart is hurting, I still Like him after all of this but I promise him that I would only talk business with him and my personal feelings, I would deals with them. He simply say “ok” that it. We walk around each other like it never happen and to me, I feel that it was all in his (Plans) to get the Goods. Why would he spend so much time with me to gain my trust, just to have SEX. I really Hurt about this..

  3. ann muriuki

    i am totally a mess after having sex with this man who i went out with only for 3dates and on the third date we had sex, but he was due to travel the following day to another country for a research then be back after 3weeks.. he said he was going to keep in touch but after he left he only called me twice and when i do call him most of the time his phone is off or when it rings he takes a long time to pickup, when he finally picks up he talks like he doesn’t want to then he asks to call me back which he never does,when i send him a text he never replies…. i feel used and angry

      • Jamie

        So what, we don’t sleep with theses guys am confused. They pull away after sex so that’s it woman deal with it or if we don’t text will they eventually come round and go back to being intamate? Either way it Seems like a sad truth with no solution or satisfaction for woman.

        • ellensmoak

          Hi Jamie! This article is just a small peak into the differences between how men and women handle intimacy. It’s best that both partners learn about each other, so that we can respect how each other handles life – and be more aware of each others emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. Best to talk openly with your partner – bring up how different you are, read articles and book together, go to workshops, etc. Learning about male/female dynamics can be a fun way to get closer to each other. Enjoy!

  4. Sharon

    Hi Ellen,
    I’ve been dating this guy and after three dates we ended up having sex. Everything after intercourse seemed fine and just right. We chatted that night for a while and everything seemed great and now the past two days everything seems different, I barely hear from him until before he goes to bed in which he is all sweet sending me kisses and telling me Goodnight. He replies to my texts but they are short and not as lovey-dovey as before. I wouldn’t think anything of it unless he hadn’t been texting me for a month two weeks straight good morning beautiful and then all throughout the day too. Do you think he is going through the pull away or do you think he is slowly trying to slip away without hurting me? I’ve had guys before disappear completely and ignore texts and calls but just when i think this guy is gone (like a couple others have done), i hear something sweet from him. I’ve never experienced this before and it’s rather confusing and yes like your article says, irritating.

  5. confused

    This was really helpful and informative, never knew men needed to rexonnect with self, and honestly believes that calling and texting would show that you were being consistes.

  6. Bk

    Hii Ellen and every1 out there… Ellen your research is really good. You did a fantastic job. Hattz off.
    I dnt know if I should be saying this but the fact that the people who have commented and shared their feelings, sound very immature to me, makes me write my point of view.
    With all due respect to every ones feelings, I would like to put my view:

    1. What makes u have sex on the third date with a particular guy. This proves lack of brain and lack of practical outlook. And if you think, its being modern and being frank, then be modern completely and be open to the consequences because in third date means third meeting, and I feel getting connected to a person emotionally takes time. You need to know a person, the good and bad about a particular person which would help you decide whether to stay with the guy or girl.
    2. And if some one ignores or pulls away after having sex, then I would its because you people just had sex. you did not make love… I feel there’s a great difference in having sex and making love.
    3. Having sex is only a physical action and body’s requirement. Its just a shag. To have sex, you just need two bodies but Making love is beyond having sex. Its much more than sex. You connect to a person emotionally while you make love. You connect with the soul of ur partner. you literally touch the his/her soul.
    4. And you cannot make love to a person just after meeting him/her thrice or even 10 times. And you cannot make love to just any1 who comes your way. But you can have sex with any1 and since there’s no soul involved in it, the action doesn’t bother you much and u dnt feel the necessity to get back.

    5. More over, on a date, both the persons would obviously act good to each other as they are not familiar with each other and practically speaking, you need to be very comfortable and familiar with a person to be 100% yourself. and when you dont get to see or know the 100% original person, that means you dnt know the person at all and hence you cannot connect with him emotionally. So there’s no soul involved, no heart involved. Its just body and mind.

    And yes of course there are assholes all around who just need a fuck, but then, if you are trapped by an asshole, its your fault and its your insensibility. Because you cannot expect every1 to think or feel your way. So if you chose to sleep with a guy in few meetings, then accept the consequences also. And better to think sensibly and act accordingly.


  7. suzie

    I must say, as a woman, I to do that man thing, when I do, that’s the men who fall for me in a big way, but I don’t them. I’m 51 and a few years ago, after wearing my heart on my sleeve for years, found myself following the male role, and I’ve never felt happier, in control and not heartbroken. I now have a boyfriend who adores me, but I will never give my all again, because I need to hold onto some for me, to enable me to remain confident, in control and respecting myself.

    • ellensmoak

      Suzie, it sounds like you are in a good place! ALWAYS keep parts of you all to yourself- you deserve you too! Do you get my newsletters?

  8. Learning

    Great article. Thank you.
    It does leave a question in my mind… How do you know he’s just pulling away to ‘recenter’ verses he’s pulling away to exit? Clearly how long it takes him to make contact again will be a good indicator but there must be more signs than that?

    • ellensmoak

      Hi! In the beginning- no. There might not be any other signs! Best that you remain calm and see what happens. Yes, this is tough! But the right man for you will no go away for good. Building trust and faith in yourself and in spirit is the best practice while dating. Do you get my newsletters? I talk about this type of thing there. Let me know!

      • dynamite

        Remaining calm is the hardest thing to do. He is not answering my calls not replying my message. I feel terrible.

  9. Anony

    Really confused right now. Here is my situation. There is this guy I have been seeing for a little over a month now and I felt pretty sure by the end of our 5th date that he truly was interested in me and not just in getting into my pants. He would initiate contact with me everyday and on all our dates he was very sweet, he would hold my hand and give me little kisses every now and then throughout the evening. We even went to a birthday party one night and people were getting crazy and throwing cake at each other and I got some on my face, and he took me to the kitchen and cleaned my face for me. I found it incredibly sweet. At the end of our 6th date (which was a week ago) we had sex, and he even wanted to cuddle afterwards. The next day he texted me and everything seemed fine. But throughout this past week our conversations have been much shorter than usual, and he didn’t ask to see me on the weekend. I sent him a message on Facebook last night (our main form of communication) but he never replied, and it says that he already saw the message. I am freaking out because he has never just completely ignored me like that. Is there still any hope that he might come back around? I really like this guy!

  10. Tara

    Alright this may have helped me A LOT! My almost freak out break down is gone. And this is my story… Okay so I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for about 2 1/2 months now. He has kinda a busy life so he isn’t available all the time. It’s annoying but I’ve grown to accept it. One night we were in the phone and it was 11:11 i have always followed the silly tradition of when it’s 11:11 and you know it’s that time then make a wish. I wished that he would ask to see me that night. And he told me he wished I was with him. Anyways I thought that was so cute, and that night (a few days ago) I went over to his house. We made out and stuff and ended up having sex. Our first time, for both of us. He went to the bathroom after to clean up and came back and say down saying we shouldn’t have done that. He believes in god and this may have effected him. But over the next few days he ignores me. I texted, he said he was busy and would talk later. He didn’t. I called. Busy again, call “I’ll talk to you later” next day I call again, hoping to talk. Why? Because he had been ignoring me at school and everywhere. He doesn’t answer. So I’m hissing that this masculinity cycle is why he is so…. Distant now. I sure hope is is. And if it is. I hope it goes away. Please tell me it goes away… But I feel far more confident now. A lot better. THANK YOU!

  11. ebony

    Hi my name is ebony and I had that situation before and could not understand why that man that I was seeing has suddenly stop speaking to me after we had intimacy. I was scared and confused and started to feel self conscious about it. I did not hear from that day on but I did not chase him around. But I do want to see us work out but he said that he does not want a relationship. But he wants to continue to see me when he wants to. What should I do?

  12. P & S

    I wish I could read this one year back, I was a dynamic girl and was really enjoying my own life with my friends, family job being an engineer, today all has become a mess.. I love this guy a lot, we were spend some nights together, but now he doesn’t need me.. he was really caring for me, seemed to be loving me a lot, but now I need him, not just for sex, but I feel like we have a bond, but now I am neglected, no more calls, text, it’s like killing me, tried to kill myself two three times, because of that only, now he is calling me.. I don’t feel to do anything.. I don’t know why he can’t understand me.. my final decision would be killing myself as I’m so fed up of this suffering life… I can’t understand, this life, relationships and all.. so hopeless and helpless.. I never feel to think of any other guy……….I don’t know, why I became so cheap to beg him, his love for my life.. now he says he needs a break and he needs relax.. but I’m suffering with this gap. don’t feel to hate him.. but.. he can’t get me, I don’t know whether he will get me, at least after my death.. feeling sorry for all the girls.. who has to come across such situation.. May God bless all of them to make their mind !!!!!!

  13. Elisabeth's

    I will do.nothing. he texted me good morning this morning. I texted good morning to you. Have not heard from the man who texted me a lot more during the day. I will do nothing.

  14. Em

    I’m so glad I decided to google the situation and came across your article! I’m 22 and started going out with a 27 yr old guy (boy) . Anyway after about ten dinner and drink dates and two months and after him asking me not to see other guys , I slept with him. It was awful…I told myself it was just nerves etc. . But I expected him to stay in contact with me . We exchanged a few texts the following days ., I extended an invite to him for a the weekend to join me and some friends at a beer fest , he said he was most likely going away for the weekend but would let me know ….. Never did. So I finally asked and he said he was going away , so I told him to have fun . Well I haven’t heard from him since its been 6 days . I just want an answer! Why ?

  15. Alina

    lol this honestly made me start laughing!! I feel so much more secure and certain now. it makes so much more sense, thank you!!

  16. KlK Female

    Hi Ellen, I am in a weird spot, I was with a man for twenty years (not married) and on a Friday I left for North Dekota to see another. I hadn’t had sex in 5 years with the first man its been very hard with him a struggle. Now, when I went and got off the plane I was so relieved was their something wrong with me for feeling that way? I hadn’t seen new man for 25 years we went to school together. Anyway, the new guy and I hit it off so well, we spent Friday and Saturday together had sex 7 times did everything I wanted and could imagine and have never done before. It was soooo wonderful. But the new man doesn’t like the word love. Now It is has been 7 days and the new man has almost totally had no contact with me. He called me yesterday, (only cause he had to) and he did call me on valentines day which I was not expecting. but was happy to here from him. He keeps telling me he’s not mad at me, but he won’t return text anymore and no more good morning phone calls, the worst thing about it was I sent him $200.00 of which I probably will never see again. I am afraid to text and call now, should I except his call if he calls? I am so worried, I am thankful for what you wrote it made me realize that there is two sides to this and he has feelings also. but I am very lonely and not sure what to do or if I will ever see him again. Help what do I do? KlK please any advice on my email would be good

  17. Alex

    Thank you for this perspective, I really appreciate it! My question is this, if women desire more intimacy after sex and men desire alone time, why is it that we women have to adapt to their intimacy cycle and they don’t have to adapt to our need for intimacy. This deal kind of sucks!

  18. joyful7007

    Thank you so much for the wonderful insight on this topic. I recently had sex with a man on our second date. This is not typical of me but it happened. He has definitely pulled back. I have debated sending him a text letting him know I am embarrassed we got intimate so quickly. Would you recommend just leaving him alone or being vulnerable and sending the text?

    Help!!! 🙂

  19. Maddie

    Well I hooked up with this guy yesterday, we’ve actually been off and off for 3 years. After I left he texted me once and then stopped texting back. I’ve sent him few text messages since then, telling him I had a great time, but then stopped texting him. It’s been a day now since he last texted me. Do you think I’m ok still? Or did I pretty much just ruin everything after all this.

  20. Serena

    I think your words are exactly right. I had sex with the guy who is six years younger I do. All the time we were having fun and good laughs. Right on our third date, we had sex and now it has been three four days since that night, he just passed on me. I felt like being undesired and abandoned. I am in my mood to regain my esteem and I know that if he doesn’t care enough to send me message, I have no point to contact him either.

  21. Goingthroughit

    I am so glad I came across this page. I’ve been reading into a lot of psychology of dating, the rubber band effect and why guys pull away after sex. I’m 28 years old I’ve been single for 3 years after my 7 yr relationship with my highschool sweet heart. Dating is still something new to me, but I’m starting to catch on. I’ve known this guy for awhile through mutual friends, but I never paid much attention to him. It wasn’t until last may when he caught my eye at a birthday. How he laughed, carried himself, his sense of humor and his vocabulary believe it or not. We co nnected on facebook and exchanged numbering We went out to dinner a few times, we started showing up together at our local pub every friday where all our friends go to hang out, we went out in groups to local clubs, and we’ve even gone on a 4 day camping trip with our friends. He conveniently put his tent next to mine lol all of these events were strictly friendly with light flirting. It wasn’t unroll december when I told him he caught my eye, and since his divorce (also 3 yrs ago) I knew he wasn’t interested in a relationship but I wanted him to know how highly I thought of him. He distanced himself for about 2/3 weeks and I kind of expected that. Of course we started to bump back into each other knowing all the same friends, and again we went out to dinner a few times, he strung up my daughters guitar for me, we went to a parade with our friends, we’ve just started going to the beach together now weather is nice. We have spent ALOT OF TIME TOGETHER, one on one and in group settings. This last weekend a group of us went to an all day concert at the beach and rented a hotel for the night. The concert was a blast !! Omg! So much fun, with heavy drinking of course… Well the next morning I woke up next to him naked.. It was a little awkward at first but we both laughed it off, got dressed and met up with our friends and spent the whole day on the beach having a great time. He has left his stuff in my car, I texted him monday about this and no reply… I’m hoping we didn’t ruin a good friendship, because I genuinely care about him and don’t want to lose him as a friend… Tomorrow makes it a week I’m trying to keep my cool since I’ve read guys like to see just how irrational we get to see if they have dodged a bullet from a crazy train. But we’ve been hanging out as friends with light flirtation for almost a year, he knows what kind of girl I am, he has helped me dodge some creepy dudes.. He knows me as a person.. Why won’t he come get his stuff? Is he letting that be the reason to contact me when he’s ready? I’m also learning that waiting a week is the new norm to add anticipation and to see how moody, controlling or psychotic a chick is… Thanks for your blog any advice would be appreciated

  22. confused

    im soo confused, I slept with a really good friend twice in a matter of a few days. we were really close, chatted everyday and used to see each other often, but now its been so long since ive seen uim and we dont even chat anymore besides the random “hi”. 🙁

  23. Vicki

    Loved the article. The same thing happened to me last weekend. Met online, was in town for several days on business, had sex and he went on home. I hadn’t done that after seeing someone in years and even after a great time no call, no text, no return text. I was so irritated! I actually did have a good time and knew he wasn’t the one but still left me a little jilted. So when IS the best way to gauge when to be intimate with someone? It seems like all men do this and your left feeling like crap! Do you just hold out for a month and then see if the same thing happens all over again? Does the time in between even matter?

  24. Dash b

    I met this guy on online dating . He told me that he likes me , we have been communicating for almost 3months and we only been on 2dates.. We spent the weekend together and we had sex.. After that I never heard from him , or if he arrived ok.. I sent him a text I never recieved a reply .. I checked online dating and he was online .. That hurt my feelings .. So I decided to send him a text on online dating he replied but not knowing that it’s me.. I spoke to his friend .. And this girl wanted proff that am dating this guy .. I sent a single pic of him but she wanted a pic of me n him together ..I ended up sending it to her .. She said they friends that they talk everyday .. I told her not to tell him that we spoke .. But she told him ..I recieved a text from him and he said that I invaded his privacy how can I talk to someone that I don’t know that he can’t trust me anymore.. He also said he doesn’t want to see me anymore .. I truely liked this guy it hurt my feelings that he said that .. 🙁 is this my fault ?

  25. jason

    Being a man I want to know what’s wrong with me to. I have been with the same woman for five years and still wish she would leave.

  26. Gabriel

    Hey ladies, here’s from a guy’s perspective. Yes we can be complete pigs motivated solely by self-interest and that’s sex, we are hardwired to procreate by any means necessary. This is not an excuse by any means, it’s terrible to put you beautiful women through this. So heres a couple reasons for why we do what we do, other than the blunt truth as to what I aforementioned. Some guys after sleeping with a woman once twice and maybe several times, will always have the (whoa I need to slow down moment) meaning they feel they are becoming emotionally attached to quickly, and this will scare us off. To combat this issue what you need to do is hold out becoming intimate as long as possible. To us, it’s a predatory instinct we love the hunt, we love the game of courting that woman, until we finally become intimate with them. Yes it sounds terrible but that’s what we need, and if you give it to us too quickly, we lose respect for you. That sounds even worse but it’s the blunt truth of the matter. Another scenario is that we are only in it to have sex, we aren’t serious about settling down and all we want to do is have sex, yes this is a sad realization to come too whichever modus operandi we are being driven by. The way to tell if a man is truly serious and wants to settle down with you is by his patience, and the lack thereof in the eagerness we are to have sex or be intimate. This is when you know that a man is truly committed to having a serious and fruitful relationship, and yes, there are plenty of us out there, that are truly looking for what you want. So don’t make it too easy for us, and that will weed out the ones who are motivated by sex only and their own personal commitment insecurities. I wish you all luck, and don’t be too hard on us, a lot of a genuinely want what you want and others are just letting their animalistic impulsiveness get the better of our gender.

    • Emma Swan

      I got it your point about commitments and relationship. But how about just sex? I am married, husband wants me to play. I met a guy (we both met him), we just wanted to have sex, nothing else and we communicate that clearly.

      We met, had everything but the actual sex itself. He liked it. Then we sexted several days later, exchanged most naughty video. His video was of him ejaculating.

      After that he disappeared.

      Would you offer some male’s perspective on this? I do not want a relationship, I have a happy marriage, but I sure like to have sex with him.

  27. Steph

    I know this is old, so I may not get a response.
    What about a reversal? I’m a woman who almost immediately after I know the sex is over with wants to get up and get out. Even when I really, honestly like the guy, I start thinking about other/better things I could be doing with my time. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends try to guilt-trip me for not still being there when they woke up.
    If he’s asleep, why do I need to be there? I’m not tired. I’ll come back after whatever I went off to do is done, but it gets annoying when I’m supposed to sit around existing nearby until somebody wants something.
    For some reason, some guys tend to feel vaguely disconcerted when you’re shooing them politely out the door and not bothering to talk to them unless you have something they’d specifically care about to mention for a day or ten.

    • ellensmoak

      Isn’t it funny how sensitive the men in our lives are? I would just explain that it isn’t personal and see what you can do to make him feel more secure. xo

  28. Teresa

    This helps a lot!! And thank you. I recently had sex with a guy I’ve liked for years literally. He totally pulled away right after and I felt totally rejected and used.

  29. Jeannette


    So after going out and hanging out for a month, we had sex and he started showing me a little more attention just wanting to know how I was and he remembered things that was going on in my life. Then he wanted to take off from work so we can spend time together but he couldn’t get off work and I ended up going to see him anyway. Later on we had sex again but this time he pulled away. The next week, I texted him and wanted to meet and we decided to do so over the weekend but never set a day. I messaged him the next day wondering about the day but he did not respond. Then that saturday I invited him out with friends but he was at work late and he said he would try. He told me I could come later if I wanted but I declined because it was too late and I wouldn’t have a ride back. He didn’t reply and I never texted him again. This was a week ago. Do you think I sabotaged myself or that it was just his intentions to pull away and never look back?

  30. Marie

    I a few days ago at the age of 21 finally lost my virginity. The problem is it was to my best friend. It wasn’t awkward is was an inevitability as we made a pact that if I didn’t lose it before my 23rd birthday he would so graciously do me the service haha.
    But a year ago when we made the pact I was in my head thinking “oh gosh that’s going to be weird” because I had no romantic feelings towards him. But as we continued to get closer this year and shared secrets, experiences and problems together, obviously I became quite fond of him, and comfortable enough to start hooking up. Then that hook up turned into sex. It’s a complicated situation because of is on/off gf who doesn’t live here, because I don’t think he knows how he’s grown on me, because I kind of still like his best friend, and because I’m so scared of losing him. After we hooked up, the next morning he told me that he had to stop hooking up with me because he could never not have me in his life. I understand what he means but it stil made me think there’s something inherently wrong with me.
    But I guess my real question is about the cycle… It’s best to just give him space to collect himself? Like should I not text, or even go out with our group of friends for a bit?

  31. Amy

    I had sex with my boyfriend yesterday first time in a month it felt so different and we talked alot after I got home and we were suppose to have a movie date this weekend and no he doesnt no if hes gonna be able to go . Thats so werid to me. Im not sure what I did wrong because before sex happend yesterday he was all excited about it and no its like an NO slap in my face and hes not texting or responding back to me, it hurts and I dont no what to do . I really love him.

  32. Golden

    I realized that these men who hit it then quit it are immature users who really don’t know how to treat a woman.

  33. Christie Roxas

    Hi there! Thank you for this wonderful post. I’m 27 and I met this guy online. Well, he lives few hours near my office so we decided to meet and watched a movie but before the night ended, we had sex. We chatted for almost few months before that, and he knew that I’m not a virgin anymore and had my first time back in college (which I was actually not sure of because of being so drunk that time) I decided to have sex with him because I was curious about the feeling since I didn’t feel that much when I thought I had it when I was still a college student. Then when we had this night of being one, we both discovered I never had it before and I was still a virgin when he got me. After having sex, he cuddled with me, talked a little, watched some cartoons on tv, and even told me he’s getting some sleep and asked me to wake him up 5minutes to 10 minutes but he didn’t sleep and just stayed hugging me for at least few minutes. When we checked out, we took a taxi and while inside, we still talked and asked me of my way home since I live really far from the office. He seemed to care and he’s even vocal about it, like, he told me he’s worried about me getting home late. When we were walking on separate ways, he shouted and told me he’s going to send me a message after getting home or arriving his friend’s house (not sure which of the two, because he’s quite far when he shouted but he mentioned beforehand that he’s going to meet his friend) Anyway, Still no message… I sent him and asked him if he already got a taxi.. No response. I sent him almost 3hours later if he has arrived but still no reply. Is it too early to assume that he really doesn’t care at all? Should I still wait for his message or just forget about him and that night? As If it’s easy.. Lol thank you sooooo much

  34. Shannon

    So, I met a guy online and we talked all the timemessages and even 2 hour phone calls here and there…his schedule is busy with his kids, etc. He even added me on Facebook because he thought I was very cool. We would flirt but not majorly. We had a day date this past Saturday..he is from Canada and wanted to go shopping, lol…so we did and also lunch. Then he came back to my place…I tried to keep it to just kissing and then WAY more happened. We of course talked about hanging out again, but later the next couple days he was distant and I sent him a couple messages here and there…just like I normally do…I never once asked why he did not get back, but I would say random funny things. He responded once. Then I noticed he deleted me of FB??? What happened?? I did send him the text and did the voicemail to call him out..and then the email the next day. Not angry, but showing disappointment.He certainly worked hard prior to the date? I think I am more mad because it is not like that was the first time we ever talked…we spent 5 hours together and talked for 3 weeks prior. Great…he decided he did not like me, I can assume…but prior too he kept saying how we get a long so well and our banter back and forth was awesome. I hate that I let that happen. Just venting because I know better now. Totally feeling embarrassed. :-/

  35. Midori

    Urm, thanks for telling us how crappy and angry we feel, but what are we supposed to do about it? You’ve told us what not to do, which was painfully obvious (who would keep on texting and texting after the first 2 texts went ignored?!) but then you just stop the article before explaing what we ARE supposed to do? If we take on board this information, give the guy his space to be masculine or whatever, then a week or two goes by and still no contact, how has that made our relationship easier and more fulfilling? It hasn’t. What if this happens several times over, are those supposed to count as ‘easy fulfilling relationships’? Please finish this article and tell us what the other half of the battle is?!

    • ellensmoak

      Hi Midori! I’m going to refer to the reply I just gave someone else to this same post. This is simply information on the opposite sex – that’s it. Here’s what I said to Jamie: “This article is just a small peak into the differences between how men and women handle intimacy. It’s best that both partners learn about each other, so that we can respect how each other handles life – and be more aware of each others emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. Best to talk openly with your partner – bring up how different you are, read articles and book together, go to workshops, etc. Learning about male/female dynamics can be a fun way to get closer to each other. Enjoy!”

    • Emma Swan

      Sorry to say this, but if this keeps happening again and again, you’ve got to do a self examination of what might be the issue(s) at your end.

      My rule before I got married? Never had sex until I got married. That simplifies a lot.

      Now that I’m married and my husband lets me play, I still play hard to get at times, other times I totally give in, depending on how to stimulate a guy’s interest while satisfying myself.

      I don’t reach out to guys after sex. If he comes back, great, if he doesn’t, there’s another hotter one out there…

  36. Danielle

    Thank you so much Ellen, that is exactly my situation, I slept with my best friend cousin , but I talked to him and he answered me after 8 hours, and his responses were very cold and strange. Just after we had sex, I asked him if I mean something to him, but he told me that he didn’t want something serious. I just don’t know how to react, I mean we meet each other since I was 15 years old and now (I’m 23 years old and he has 27) I’m so confuse. Please, Ellen, What should I do?

    • ellensmoak

      Hi Danielle. Men will tell you exactly what they want – even though what they want is often not what we want or what to hear! It sounds like he told he doesn’t want anything serious. The best thing you can do is spend time with people doing things that bring you joy. Joy and happiness attract love, not the other way around. Find your happy and love will follow…. with this man or with the one you’re meant to be with! Sending joy and happiness to you sweetie! xo Ellen

  37. Miranda

    This is so messed up! If we have opposite natural feelings how are we ever supposed to work as man/woman. And why are there no web site that are geared for men to get close with a woman an ignore their natural cycles for a woman??!!!

  38. Sally

    I met a guy who’s single 36 year old, we found each other online, after a first date he was very happy and texted me this he likes me so much، I was so worried about my weight and my hight, as he is very tall 183cm and I am 60cm
    He totally likes me and he was texting me all night after first date. The next day he text me very late and as we supposed to meet on the first weekend he texted me on Friday night to set the time then Saturday morning he cancelled that which was so weird, I still didn’t care I said just its okay, he didn’t text me for a day then Sunday morning he did text and explain about his Saturday that was so busy, and he said he will take shower and text me which it didn’t happend and I just didn’t say anything. I got confused if he wants sex which he asked and I totally ignored him coz both of us are Muslim and he knows that I won’t do it, he didn’t have to message me، but he did , on the other hand I never texted him back to even say hi, I just can’t indrestand he dosent have to text me he dosent have to hold on me!!! What should I do with this guy, I really love him I don’t want to kiss him I don’t want to sex with him and loss him, I am a single mom and well educated as well we r in the same age too, tell me what I can do???

  39. Adriane

    I met a guy online, we talked/texted for 2 weeks prior to meeting (holidays and his work schedule made it difficult to meet right away) we finally met the day before new years eve had a great date, we hung out together ON New Years eve and had our first kiss at midnight. We continued to hang out after the ball dropped having great conversation over a really late dinner, we then went our separate ways! I went to his house about 10pm the following night to watch movies and of course got intimate. We hung out all the next day having a blast together and were intimate a couple of more times as well. I had to leave that night to go home and take care of my house, after that he became kind of distant. I was trying not to be needy and texting all day, but when we first started talking they were long discriptive texts and now they are short and hardly conversational! We had such a connection and I really like him, what do I do? Do I just wait for him to further the conversation? Did I mess everything up by sleeping with him? Please help me…

  40. Jennifer

    I see it has been a while since a comment was left here but I’m curious as to what we can do if we already did text the guy? I told him I felt he acted different after we had sex and he said he had just been busy, as the week progressed he pulled farther away and then deleted me off social media. I asked him why and we got into a little argument. It didn’t end really badly but is it safe to assume I won’t hear from him again? I had told him I never had a one night stand or slept with someone then not remained friends etc so I feel upset about it. This is the first guy I have liked in a very long time. Should I never text him again and just work on healing myself from this experience or would it be okay to text him in a couple weeks…I feel I know this answer but it’s hard to swallow when you genuinely had care and interest in a person. I feel I jumped the gun because of emotions and ruined it for myself and I’m hurt and upset. Any advice on what to do with him and also how to feel better about ourselves?

  41. Monica

    I connected with this guy through the internet. We met up several times for dinner and movies, and began hanging out at his place. He texted me every day, even all through christmas when he was with his family. Now I know I proabbly made a bad call, and friendzoned him after the second date. I am terrible with dating, and do better when I can get to know him without the pressure of a relationship so early. He was very understanding and told me to just communicate and be honest with him, and he would love to keep me as a friend until things could change. He continued to text me everyday and we’d occasionally hang out. After about our 5th get together, we hooked up. Which was amazing. He continued text me and tell me how amazing it was. I told him I also really enjoyed it, but wasnt sure how comfortable I was doing it again without being in some sort of relationship. Again he seemingly took it very well. He texted me the next few days then absolutely nothing. Even deleted me off facebook. Its been several weeks and I know I should just let it go, but I’m so tempted to message him and ask for an explanation. There’s no problem with losing interest, but at least be man enough to communicate it

  42. caramel

    Here is my situation. I knew the guy from an event at work. The event venue is a nice place to see stars. There was a chance that only him and I at the deck and its cool at night, we looked up and saw the stars, stayed closed and hugged. After a while, he asked me to turned and looked another side, and he hugged me from behind. I didnt told him that I have boyfriend already but some how i know he know it afterwards. We saw each other once or twice after the event and we met each other again recently at a friend’s gathering. I drank quite a lot and he sent me home, but i was too mellow that i asked if i can stayed at his place til morning. But then you know….we had sex. He mentioned (not sure if he was drunk) that he guessed i have bf so he didnt chase me after the event. I told him i missed him and he said he did to, he even said he had masturbated with my photos. I left in the morning as i need to meet my friends, and he didnt see me off at his door nor text me after 24 hours. Then i decided to take the initiative to text him, thanks him to take care of me and told him i have some relationship issue which i gonna sort out. He didnt reply. i want to know how he think?

  43. lulu

    So, do men need time or what?!?!? Im thinking to myself did i really suck in bed? or was i too big for him after he told me he liked big girls?? IM so totally CONFUSED!!! It makes me sick. Im 22yrs old met him (POF) after a few weeks of txting we stopped then we saw eachother at a bar not even saying a word to eachother that night he message me that same night we exchanged numbers then we txtd for a few weeks telling me he wanted me & what not then i let him have me & BOOMM!!!!! no frkn txt or call the next day after telling me we were going to do it again on Vday so the nxt day i txt him Happy Valentines Day & nothing!!! I sent him a txt a few hours later & nothing again! idk what to even think at this point ALL that is going through my head is WOW was i really that bad at sex or did he just think i was to big?? i need ANSWERS PLZZZZ!!! remind u we did it 3x that night & he said he liked it very much thought he was enjoying me at the moment too sure felt like he wa! SO now im lk WTF???

  44. Taylor

    I’ve been trying to understand this behavior for a couple of years myself. I met someone online three years ago and every year for three to five months we are awesome. He is caring and funny and always in touch. Then it slows down. The texting and calling and spending time together until it’s gone. In six or so months he reappears and it’s like nothing has changed. Granted, I don’t know what he does in his absence and what really matters to me is that he comes back. This past time it was Dec 1 and I got that “hi how are you text” out of the blue. I told him to call me and we talked four hours that night about what had been going on in our lives. We have been amazing from that day until Valentines Day of all days. Spent that Saturday (valentines) with him, he got me a gift and a sweet card and cooked and it was great. Since that night things have dwindled away again. I hear from him once a week now maybe and he has mentioned the past two weekends seeing me but he never calls. In the past I would text or call him but I haven’t been as aggressive this time. I’ve read not to bombard him with closeness. I do believe he cares me. I don’t think that it’s just sex because there is so much more communication and laughter than that. We’ve always been able to tell each other things we don’t tell others and we both agree we are just comfortable with each other. We spend more time holding each other and him sleeping in my lap on the couch than most people in “full time” relationships. I am older than him and he says he likes that because I have no drama and I’m not clingy and needy. I don’t want to believe I am a fall back girl because that would hurt. I would rather think I am a comfortable place for him to be when he needs someone. I know no one can guess or predict anyone or any relationship but writing all this makes me feel better. Sorry it’s lengthy! Wish you all good luck with your relationships.

  45. Eryn

    I just don’t understand why women always have to search or the answers and do all the work. Men have it so easy. They’re “allowed” to do what comes natural to them and we have to conform ourselves to them in order to MAYBE get what we want. It’s infuriating. I just want to be loved for me and not have to play games and tricks and constantly stroking a mans ego!!!!

  46. Shakia

    I’ve known this guy for awhile, never got a chance to hang out with him… I’ve notice he became attractive to me and was curious. I told my cousin to deliver that I was curious andoing agreed to secure favors.. well however I expected to handle the situation like a man. BUT apparently it didn’t work that way. I mean it was awesome to the point I felt something for this guy. I wanted a friendship. I had my cousin to call and text for me, after he didn’t respond or reply. I texTed him still no answer. I feel humiliated, but it’d all my fault.

  47. why

    I feel like every article that “explains why men do what they do” makes me feel more and more repulsed to my guy. They also point out how it’s natural for women to do this and men to do that, but the answer to your situation as a women is to conform to the guy.
    I’m not asking my guy to be all over me after sex, I want him to act like he normally does.
    He tells me “the more we have sex the more I want it” and this makes me want to cut off sex so I can stop feeling like I’m being used then treated like “one of the work guys” for three days straight.

    I hate the “well that’s how men are and they won’t change” but what they actually mean to end with is “and you should just get over it as a woman”.
    After being in a long time relationship, I’m pretty sure if my guy and I split, I’d probably switch my attention to women.

    • ellensmoak

      Thank you for your feedback! I completely understand 🙂 While this article is giving some clarity around “why” some men may act like this, it isn’t intended to mean that you just have to deal with it. All relationships are better and have the potential for more mutual satisfaction when we realize the ins and out of male/female differences and become ultra aware of these differences. Use this type of information to become more aware – then open up dialogue and discussion with your partner for more conscious conversation. You may even get a laugh out of it! Best of luck, and don’t give up on these fascinating creatures.. the men I mean! xo Ellen

  48. Ashley

    I was talking to this guy on and off for 8 months , I was very shy around him and he seemed interested and then he didn’t . This went on for a while. I finally lost my virginity to him like 2 days ago and he just distants him self , I felt emotional so I don’t texted him asking him not to waste my time and tell me what he feels. He told me he is scared to be in a relationship that every girl he like has broke his heart , he told me he prefers me as his friend. Because he is going to the army in a year and he said he doesn’t want us to fall for something when he is just going to leave , he said he doesn’t want to stop me from meeting other guys . I really care for him , he been distants with me since idk what to do! I really want to be with him

  49. Lisa Glaubitz

    I have lived around the corner from this guy (I’ll call him “Texas”) for 5 years. When I’d drive by to and from work, etc. he would smile & wave and I’d do the same. Finally, last summer, I decided to put a little note in his mailbox introducing myself. At the time I really just wanted to know his name, and just be more neighborly. He responded with a nice note, and we began texting and talking on the phone once in awhile. We started going out in late August 2015, and I was growing to like him and I could tell he was liking me. We came close to having sex on a couple of occasions, but I would say ” I’m not ready” and he respected my feelings. In early October 2015, he started pulling away, was stressed with work, and also said he sometimes enjoys being by himself. So it basically ended, and I texted him only once two weeks later, just general stuff. When his mom died around Thanksgiving, I sent a very simple sympathy card and also gave him a couple small Christmas gifts just to cheer up his holidays. We texted a little bit after that, and in March 2016, started sending sexy text messages. I felt kind of excited and felt so ready to have sex with him. I had not had sex in 15 years; it had been a couple years for him (we are in our early fifties). Eventually, we had sex and the first time was so amazing, magical, I think for both of us. We continued having sex once or twice a week for two months, but I told him I didn’t expect anything else from him, because I didn’t want to scare him off again with “expectations.” We exchanged a few more sexy texts (he sent a few pictures) and then all texting from him drastically slowed down. I sent one or two texts inquiring, and he replied saying “it’s not important to me now. .I’m way too busy with work and my son and am always exhausted.” I felt angry and did send a reply saying I would have had more respect for me had he stopped by or called or texted to let me know this. His response was pretty cold. “I don’t understand why you’re offended. I’m not in a relationship and won’t make time for one. I have never been rude to you in any way and won’t answer anymore negative messages.” I sent one more text, just saying that the lack of texts from him just kind of “threw me.” I am missing the sex and intimacy terribly. I can’t jump into another sexual relationship when feelings are still there for someone else, yet I feel like I’m running out of time, given my age and the fact that I live in a small town, and options are slim. “Texas” still smiles at me when I drive by. It has been a strange ride, the sex was intoxicating, but he’s made it clear he is not available. I crave a sexual relationship and don’t want to wait another 15 years! I do have a fulfilling life, but have always felt like something was missing. I was quite sexually active up until age 40, and then the dates were less & less and didn’t feel attracted enough to anyone to have sex. I still miss whatever it was that I had with Texas and living in the same neighborhood makes it somewhat difficult to not still think about him. I’m still “grieving.”

  50. karen

    Im confused right now lol.I Agree with your comments but still find it hard to except …My situation is i met a guy online been dating for 2 months .Finally we had sex and since sex his texting has now changed .Before sex constant messages words even i love you..misses me loads all this now has changed.im feeling vunerable confused.we both work nights and long hrs hes on night now he always messaged late afternoon after sleep and when in work when he could.its stopped day we had sex he messaged soon as home saying missed me then again in work messaged saying he missed me..but now them messages have really slowed down..no afternoon texts mayby text when hes in work but short texts.so do i just leave him and not bother because he knows how badly hurt i was after a previous relationship.he made promises to never hurt me and tell me he loved me so now hes defo cooling off.i have gut feeling he wants to escape lol so what do i do please any help as im feeling quite hurt right now

  51. Forever alone 😞

    Thank you so much for this article. I recently was asked out by a guy I met while trying to sell my car. On our first date he asked me to be his gf. On out 3rd date we had sex. He was the sweetest guy I had ever met. He would text and call me everyday. When he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him he called it making love. I let it get to me and agree. The sex was amazing. The next morning he texted me like he did every other morning and told me to have a good day. That was the last time he texted me. I tried texting him later on that day and I got no reply. I called him that night and he answered and hung up. I was so hurt. I thought he was different from all the other losers I’ve dated. The next day I sent him a message on Facebook and I said “hey, I know you don’t want to talk to me but I just want to know why don’t you want to talk to me anymore? Was it really just sex you wanted from me? I honestly thought you were different from all the other guys. I won’t bother you anymore after this. I deleted your number off my phone. I just really want to know why you don’t want to talk to me anymore.” that was 2 days ago and he still hasn’t replied.

  52. Yazmin

    I just searched ‘he disappeared after we had sex’ in google and found this article. I was devastated, because it was the first time I had sex and obviously I felt attached.
    He ignored me for two weeks after, and midway through reading this article he messaged me explaining why he ghosted on me.
    I’m not sure if that’s an omen, but I feel so relieved!


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