Who else has ever slept with a man, and then they disappeared?
It’s infuriating, isn’t it? You open your heart (and your lady parts) in an effort to get closer to your man, only to have it backfire when he pulls away from you. What gives?
Why is it that your man pull away and runs from you after being intimate and sharing what you thought was an intimate, connected experience? Well, I’m going to cover three possible explanations for you today. See if any of these three possible explantations could pertain to you.
Any woman who has ever experienced this feels the same. You’re confused. You’re vulnerable. And you’re screaming inside – both screaming at him for his blatant disrespect, and screaming at yourself for letting him in.
Keep in mind, however, that every situation is different — so trust your gut.
*Side note: No matter where you are in a
Reason #1 That Men Pull Away After Sex:
Have you ever asked your man what he’s looking for in a relationship? You know what you want — but do you know what he wants? It’s very common for women to not ask men what they’re looking for, especially before having sex.
As a coach, I talk to women all the time about their relationships. The first thing I ask every woman is, “What does he want? Does he want to get married? Does he want kids? And, do YOU?” A surprising amount of women reply that they don’t know what he wants, and that they’ve never even asked.
Why is this? Why is it so hard for a woman to ask a man what he’s looking for? The most common answer I get when I’ve asked other women why they’re not asking is that you’re afraid to scare him away. You’re afraid that if you ask him what he wants that you’ll seem desperate or needy — or that he won’t want to see you anymore because you’re trying to get too “serious” too fast…
So you proceed without knowing what he wants, you stay light and carefree and go-with-the-flow, and you have sex with him. You want to be the woman who’s easy to get along with, instead of coming across as controlling or uptight. You want to be “better” than the other women he’s been with, because all of them were too emotional or too dramatic or too whatever.
But here’s the problem: You’re staying on the surface in your relationship. If you’re dancing around the more intimate “serious” conversations, not ever bringing them up, then your actual intimate encounters between the sheets will have a harder time hitting the level of intimate depth or seriousness that you’re looking for.
Deep, intimate conversations lead to deeper, more intimate sex, which leads to deeper, more intimate, and more serious relationships — assuming, of course, that you both want the same thing, which leads me to reason #2 that men pull away after sex:
Reason #2 That Men Pull Away After Sex:
Have you had the “what do you want” conversation already? Have you clearly expressed you needs, wants and desires in return? Often times, we women will “sort of” tell a man what we want, yet we still keep dating someone who isn’t on our same page.
If you’re doing this, then you’re not standing up for yourself. And when you don’t stand up for yourself, a man will start to lose respect for you. Men want to be with a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it. This increases the respect that he has for you, and it increases his attraction to you. Surveys show that men find confidence to be the #1 most attractive quality in a woman.
Asking for what you want in a relationship takes confidence — so when you state what you want, and stand by what you deserve, you actually come across very confident, strong, and self-assured. Men like this. They want this. And the woman they choose to commit to is a woman who speaks up for herself, and stands up for what she knows she’s worth.
It may be scary to be this bold, but the alternative is much worse. The alternative is you not getting what you want, not having your needs met, and potentially wasting a whole lot of time on someone who isn’t willing to give you what you truly want.
Reason #3 That Men Pull Away After Sex:
Let’s face it. How many times have you had sex with someone before having a commitment? If you’re dating with the intention of being someone’s girlfriend (or someone’s wife), then having sex before having a commitment is risky. Why? Because sex is completely different for a man than it is for a woman. For example, did you know that sex bonds a woman to a man in a stronger way that sex bonds a man to a woman?
Research has shown that women experience a “oxytocin bath” when they have sex with a man, which is similar to giving birth. The oxytocin bath bonds the mother with the child, and strengthens the attachment that she has with her baby. This bond is similar to the one that’s created when you have sex — you actually experience a chemical release in your brain that bonds you to your partner, leaving you feeling much more attached than you felt prior to having sex with him.
Have you ever tried to “have sex like a man” – meaning that you were just having sex for fun, without a commitment? Most of the time when women do this, they fail. You end up liking the other person and wanting more, or maybe you’re the one who pulls away because the situation starts to feel too challenging (and you weren’t looking for that.)
This happens, in part, because of oxytocin. And you want to know the most confusing part about all of this? The most confusing part is that your man is not experiencing this same bond that you are. Yes, they may be bonding with you — but it’s not because they have the same chemical reaction that you do. So, men can have sex with a woman, and then walk out. A man can also have sex with you without being in love with you and without ever wanting a relationship from you either.
So — what should you do? Well, my assumption is that you’re reading this because it hurt when he pulled away. And I’m also going to assume that you do want a relationship, or him pulling away wouldn’t bother you so much. So, my best advice to you is this:
Always date with a crystal clear intention of what you want in a relationship — and do NOT give away the most precious, valuable, and vulnerable part of yourself until you’ve first established a solid partnership and a strong, committed foundation in which to start a relationship.
So, am I asking you to wait to have sex until you’re boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, yes, actually. I am. I’m suggesting that you date with girlfriend or wife status in mind, and not waste your time dating men who don’t share your same vision of a healthy, happy relationship.
NOT having open, honest communication is a very common reason that men pull away after sex — or at anytime, really. Not sharing your truth, understanding his, and being willing and able to communicate openly and honestly about what you both desire is a big reason for many breakdowns inside relationships. If you want a happy, healthy relationship, you really need to put communication on the top of your priority list — in particularly, how to share your truth.
If the truth is that you want to be with a relationship or marriage-minded man, then make sure to ask any man you ever go out with what they want, what they’re looking for, if they would like to get married at some point, and if they want to have children, etc.
Happy, healthy relationships are created from solid commitments between two people who share their truths in open, honest ways with one another. Don’t be too scared to share yours — and share it on the very first date! What you want is worthy of being shared — and YOU are worthy of receiving it.
If you haven’t yet found someone who shares your vision of love — or you’re still looking for answers on what to do or how to get over what’s happening to you, then watch my free video series. You’ll learn if he’s your soulmate, what to do if you want him back, the #1 mistake you might be making, and how to stop thinking about him all the time.